I’ve got a confession to make. I’m not a very good friend. I’d like to be, but I’m not. You see, I’ve got this problem where I’m a whole-lotta selfish and self-righteous, which is really just a cover for being terribly self-conscience.
The truth of the matter is that I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of not being good enough, of not living up to some standard. I’m afraid that someone’s going to figure out that I’m really no good. So I keep myself at a distance from everyone. (Except John. He’s stuck with me.)
And that’s how I approached the Throne of God for years. Imagine how a poor, mousy servant girl would approach the king for a request. That was me. Here was the Great I Am and I’m coming into His presence. What do I have to offer? What will my praise bring Him? Why would He ever listen to my petition? I felt like I somehow managed to slip in while no one was looking, and that I had better play my cards right or risk being kicked back out where I belong. Rejected.
Lies. Every one of them. That’s what Satan wanted me to think, because if I believed that Jesus would never really want me, then I would never really seek a relationship with Him. I would never seek to grow, and that’s the easiest way to backslide into a life of sin.
The same is true of earthly relationships. If I believe that I’m not good enough, and that no one would choose a relationship with me, then I become distant and bitter. I begin to make up lies to make myself feel better. “Those people are snobs. They don’t care about anyone but themselves. Those people aren’t good enough for me to be around.” And that’s when I become the unrepentant sinner that Satan wants me to be.
It was only after spending time in His word and surrounded by His truth, did it finally solidify in my heart that Jesus really loved me. Wanted me. Sought me. Jesus said in Revelation 3:20,
I stand at the door and knock.
He knocked. And while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Rm. 5:8).
The deal is, I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect, but I am loved. So, I’m trying to make a difference in my life. I’m trying to let Jesus’ love soften this heart of mine. I’m trying to restore relationships and build new ones. I’m trying to open myself up, because God made us to be in relationships. After all, we are made in His image, and He is a triune God, three in one. God Himself is never alone, so why should I seek that way of life for myself?
I want to care about you. I want to pray for you. I want to be excited for what excites you. I want to listen to you. I want to do those things, but I’m not very good at them yet. There’s a lot of selfish that I’m trying to get over, so please be patient.
And don’t be alarmed if you get a text, letter, or email from me out of the blue. (I don’t know if I’m quite ready for actual phone calls.) Nothing’s wrong. I’m just working on being a better, less self-righteous, friend.
-Blessings!